I want to go back!!!

Let me first off by saying this- I want to go back!!! Ok, now that I got that out of my system. Vacation was wonderful! I think Tony and I needed this break more than ever. We didn't have a vacation last year, and we were definately due for one!

Our drive down to Myrtle Beach was ideal. we left at 10:30 p.m and Tony drove through the night. We reached Myrtle Beach at 1:00. We checked into our large 3 bedroom, 3 bath, large condo (2200 square feet!) with our large balcony overlooking the pool and intercoastal waterway and I knew I was in heaven.

We spent some time at the beach, a lot of time at the pool , and did various other vacation type things. I was more relaxed than I have been in a long while. The first night we drove to see Diana and Brent at the campground. I met Heidi for the first time at her house. I couldn't help feeling like her mannerism were so much like Heather's. I again felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness at not seeing Heather for two years- i need to see her!

Heidi was down to earth, fun, and overall quite lovely! I couldnt be luckier. We went to the campground where Brent was right ahead of us. I was so excited to see him again and equally excited to meet Diana. She was just a doll, like I thought she would be.

That night driving into the campground, i saw an alligator! I also tasted a southern treated, boiled peanuts. it was an exciting night.

I enjoyed a day at Heidi's house where I met her cutie pie son Landon- sixteen months old. It was not lost on me that he was about the same age as my other nephew Benjamin who died almost 10 years to that day. Life has introduced once again to another baby nephew. Ben and Heather had been on my mind this week as I knew the 10 year anniversary of his death was looming. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I have longed to have Heather's company.

On the brighter side, Brent has become an integral part of my life already. I enjoy his company as he is funny, intelligent, and happy person. I am proud to say he is my father too. Tony and I are already planning a long weekend to fly to GA to spend time with him and tour nearby Savannah.

Tomorrow will be a most difficult day to go back to work. I have spent nearly every minute of the last 9 days with Tony- and if you know me then you know this is just paradise for me! Tomorrow I also decided to start sparkpeople. It is a weight loss and nutrition site that is free. check it out if you are interested! http://www.sparkpeople.com

Are we there yet??

Really and truly I am worse than the kids when it comes to vacations. I'm so anxious to leave and get on the road! Today was a busy day trying to pack for 6 people, including kitchen and food supplies. I think I have everything! I figure most things can be bought if forgotten right?

This is of course more than just a regular vacation for me. This is the opportunity to meet me youngest sister Heidi. I'm looking forward to starting that relationship, as well as continuing to get to know Brent more. I wish my oldest sister Teisha could be there, but that wasn't meant to be. We will meet sometime this fall. In the interum, I am thoroughly enjoying our long phone conversations!! Thank God for free long distance!!

As I wrote in earlier posts, I am desperately missing my other two sisters. Especially Heather- we have talked the most over the years. I can't seem to get her on the phone- I know she is busy with a new baby in the house- but, well , selfishly I just miss her!

I was thinking about love the other day. It came up in a strange kind of way. I was saying to Kelly that it is a strange feeling- love. When we have our babies we find we have this instant overwhelming love come over us. But, what about when we find our parents , siblings , nieces and nephews long lost to us? I know speaking for myself it was easy to love my mom and sisters. I have long known my mother's circumstances surrounding my adoption. How could I , a mother myself (and a teen mother at that) not understand how horrible that must have been for her? I felt nothing but admiration, sympathy, and yes love for her. I find the same thoughts with Brent. It broke my heart that he felt sad to have missed my 37 years. Perhaps he was the lucky one not knowing of me....better than for my mom who had to live with all those feelings.

will it be easy to love Brent? I think so- thanks to my father. He really was a fantastic dad. Had I not had that relationship I think this would have been so much more difficult.

so on to SC i go to relax, have fun in the sun, and meet my extended family. Life is good today.

Pink and more pink

I love PINK! If you you know me, you know this already. Its my favorite color. Its a HAPPY color!

Today I spent a little time at the nail salon. Lots of my friends go here. The manicures and pedicures are great- the massages at the end are even better- IF you are lucky. By lucky I mean the older asian gentleman giving you a massage. Donna, Chris and I refer to him as "boyfriend". Boyfriend is nothing special to look at- I don't mean that in a derogative way, it is what it is. If you are lucky enough to get a massage from him you'll know it! Today I had one of the ladies and I said to myself, I'm not going to be sad about it. But low and behold, my dear friend boyfriend came over and asked would I like another massage. Like one?!!! I'd pay the 25 dollars for him to just give me the shoulder massage- skip the pedicure. So anyways, life was good.

I'm semi prepared for vacation now. Clothes for me are packed. Kids we will work on friday, and well, Tony is on his own. I'm looking forward to leaving and just getting there!

The countdown begins

The countdown has started for me- 6 more days until we leave for vacation. Vacation always brings a sense of excitement but this year there is a even more. I'm looking forward to meeting Heidi and her son and visiting with Brent and Diana and Marty. The circle is starting to close and it is a wonderful feeling.

Today I spent quite a bit of time talking with Teisha. She and I seem to be very much alike in many ways. I felt a sense of ease with her as I did with Brent. When he sat with me for 4 hours, it went by like minutes and I hated to have him leave. I felt like that today after our 3 hour phone convesation. Boy can the two of us talk. Hopefully we can meet in person this fall.

It is ironic as I mentioned before that the more I learn about my biological family, the more I think of my father. I know this was in the plans for him for me. He wanted me to get history- medical and otherwise. i feel a sense that he has made this happen for me. I'm quite sure he can see all this unfolding and is smiling his usual devilish smile.

I had a wonderful few hours today with my cousin and his wife and son. I miss those teenage years where Greg and I would spend countless hours driving in his Z-28 doing absolutely nothing. The days of working at the Dairy Queen and long summers nights. Greg and I were happy to pick up friends and make a night out of driving and trying to get lost, then making our way home. I miss those friends and our intimate talks in that crazy red car. Today , sitting on the deck for hours having nothing much to do but drink our pina coladas and eat our chips and salsa brought all that back for me.

So hopefully tonight I will sleep. I'm not sure I will. There are so many thoughts floating around in my head its hard to quiet them down. It's all good though, it's all good!

The pure joy of good friends

I feel truly thankful for our friends. I think often times our friends become more family to us than our family. Depending on the foundation of the friendship you may spend much time with these people. We have met many wonderful people through our boys- whether that be through their school or sports. Also, you have the those life long friends. You know, the ones you think of often but may only see or speak to infrequently. With this type of friend, you can pick up like you just spoke to them yesterday. I have this with Jessica- who I met when I was 7 and who I have loved and cherished ever since. Although we have a great physical distance between us, I think of her often. She was my surrogate sister, my best friend, and I still love her the same now as I did then.

Last night I spent a fabulous night with friends I met through baseball. My long time friend Donna , who I met because our boys were together in school, and continued to know as the boys played sports together was there also. These families of boys from the allstar team have spent countless hours together cheering for a common cause- our sons. We have had great highs and some dissapointments too. There is a closeness I feel with them that's hard to explain and that I have truly not had with other sports team parents I've been involved with.

I am also relishing in the joy of getting to know my sister through our emails. It's easy for me to open up to her, just like with Jesi and Heather years before. I'm anticipating and praying it will end the same too. What I felt for Jesika and Heather first was friendship. Soon after my heart filled with love for these two woman who share half my gene pool. I only wish all of these lovely ladies I now call sisters weren't so far away.

Sisters are something i've always dreamed of having...

It's this overwhelmingly happy feeling that is hovering around me. Sisters, sisters and now more sisters! I am so blessed. I really am. I am reliving 1997 when I was first getting to know Jesi and Heather. Now I am truly so lucky to be doing the same thing again with Teisha and Heidi.

I have the obvious things in common with Heidi- we are both mothers and both dental hygienists! ( I STILL cannot believe that we are both hygienists). What I'm truly interested in is how things are different. Also, how things were while she was growing up. I missed those years obvioiusly and interested to see how everything was for her.

With Teisha, we have children in common. She has 5, I have 4. She was a teen mom, so was I . She went back to college later in life- well, me too. She takes beautiful pictures and has so much talent. I think she and I may look more alike than Heidi and I. Its hard to tell...

I have so much excitement in my life right now. The future is so bright, i'm looking forward to what lies ahead...

August 3rd is a life changing kind of day..

Today was the day. I can't believe it , but it was today. The DNA test not only got finished in the 5 business days promised, it was two! The info arrived in Utah for testing on Monday August 2nd. Today at 4:39 I received an email stating that my information was processed and the results were ready.

I logged into the account after taking a couple minutes to digest things. I really didn't have much doubt that Brent was my biological father after looking at his pictures. In his high school year book photo he looks just like tony does now (,minus the hair cut!). My fear was that because we took the DNA test without waiting the hour which it instructed us to wait after eating, that the results were inconclusive. I'm glad to see that I was wrong!

The probability was 99.98%- pretty damn probable. Pretty damn life altering. So exciting!! Next step- meet my sister in SC and her son, my new brother, and Brent's wife who I'm dying to get to know. Hopefully get to meet my older sister in Maine at some point too.

This is a day to remember, this is a day I feel extremely blessed. This is the day I know my genes match the man who is now officially my biological father. But funny as life is, this is the day I miss my Dad the most. I wish he was here with me, but I know in my heart he's been here all along.

Utah has my DNA!!

I received an email today to let me know my fedex package has been received! Mine and Brent's DNA is being analyzed as we speak. I have such an excitement at finally getting that proof in writing. I'm sure he will feel better too.

I looked at his high school picture again today and could not help staring at the face of my son. Tony looks so much like him , it seems very unlikely that the test could come back anything but in favor of him being my father. I will be shocked if it does.

The DNA test takes 3-5 business days to process. My results will be in by August 9th or earlier. I pray earlier! I am not patient, I don't like to wait!!!

anyway, today was super busy at work and i'm tired. I'm going to go to bed and try to stop counting down the time until I can log in and get my results. How cool is that anyway??? You log in and there it is, the answer to my 37 year question- Is Brent my biological father?? Unbelievable, exciting and plain cool.

more to come as soon as the lab emails me that the results are in!!!

Baseball is my second language..

If I had to choose a sport to watch my kids play, i'd have to pick baseball. It was introduced to me by Tony when I was pregnant with Tony Jr. He took me to Yankee stadium for a playoff game. My first game ever! I walked through the archway at old Yankee stadium to look down on the field and I was in love. To this day it is one of the prettiest sites I've ever seen.

Today, however, I feel really all baseballed out. Two games to see today. Jarett at 2:30 and Nicky at 8:00. On a Sunday, when I have to get up to go to work early. But, I love the boys more than I love sleep so off i'll go to the games (PS- if you know me you KNOW I love my sleep)

I'm hoping to get over to the hospital to see my baby nephew again in between games. That would just make all things right in the world. I love that little baby so much already.

So, thinking of writing a note to my newest sister in Maine. I think she's having a hard time with the fact that I am now going to be in her life. I don't blame her. I can't imagine what it must feel like to find out that you have a sister- with no warning. Especially since she's older than me. I don't know, I 've had many years to know she was floating around in the universe. She's had days.

All this newness with Brent has really made me miss my mom Pat and my sisters Heather and Jesi. I am missing their kids getting older and more handsome/ beautiful. I'm missing my niece have a her first baby and my sister being a grandmother. Its very difficult to be far away. Texting is nice, phone calls are great but i want to hold that baby. I want to hug my sister when she's sad, and love her when she's happy. This is the hard part of not growing up with your siblings. Both sets of sisters- the one's I've know for 13 years, and the two that I don't know yet, have had each other for all these years. I've got a lot time to catch up with the new sistes, and a great hope that I will know them like I know Heather. Brent has been more than I could imagine , is it possible that they will give me more than I hope for too? I guess I'll find out soon....