Saturday, June 17, 2017

Reflections of long ago -- high school

High school years 

I find myself reminiscing back to the days when I was in high school. You might not know that I was shy , insecure and my worst critic . If you know me now you probably couldn't imagine this ! I'm talkative and basically outgoing . My job requires me to interact and speak to multiple people daily . It's my absolute favorite aspect of  my job too. Go figure! I truly love my patients and getting to know them. Breaking through my insecurities and trying to accept myself took many years . Actually,  it's never ending isn't it ?

Looking back on my high school pictures and looking from a distance I realize how hard I was on myself . Why oh why did a young girl hate her body with so much venomous disgust ? A size 7 and I thought I was obese . I wish I could go back and tell that young girl to enjoy life more . That no one was judging her body except her . I wish I could tell the old me that I was pretty . Not beautiful  , not gorgeous , but also not the ugly monster I had in my mind .  

I wonder if this poor reflection of myself led me into the relationships I had as a teen . I think I chose  partners who also had some self doubt about themselves . Maybe not about their appearance per se  but about life in general.  Our teen angst attracted us to each other . 

My first long time boyfriend was my first love . He was many things that I wasnt . He didn't worry or have anxiety like I had ( about normal situations ) . He was in many ways carefree. I remeber how he laughed and how easily he smiled to this day . I was 14 years old when I met him at Roller Haven . He was laughing the whole night . He told me I was pretty . That's what I needed to feel . 

We dated as much as a 14 and a 16 year old can date with no car . I'd see him when I could and we'd talk on the phone . Dating was different pre internet , facebook and snapchat . With no cell phones we talked on the phone , me attached to the hallway phone with the 20 foot cord . Eventually, I'd get the elusive phone  in my room . A clear phone that was coveted by most teens in the late 80's.  I thought I was so cool!

Tim was a handsome young man with beautiful eyes and goofy smile . I'd been warned that he was "trouble" yes , that was the word I remember . He was sweet and vulnerable with me . He was kind . He was a little trouble though . I guess we all had our struggles . His were different than mine . 

We dated for maybe 2 years mostly on sometimes off . I was a childish girlfriend who was jealous , and I realize it was because I WAS still a child .  I'd finally at one point had the strength to break off our relationship because really , he didn't want a girlfriend and a relationship like I thought I did. He was still young and so was I . I was 16 years old . 

I went on to date someone totally opposite him . Actually , nothing like him.  Very shortly into our relationship I became pregnant . I was terrified . Listen to me when you read  this . I love my son more than anything on this earth . I Don't regret my decision to have him . But , I made an error in judgment and had a child with someome I did not love . I hope my thoughts are coming through the way I'm hoping.

I went on to date Tim a second time . We dated for a year and half when I was 18 and in college . Although he was my first love, things would never work between us . He had demons . He had many things in his life that I could not accept . But , he loved my child . He was good to him . We had good times . They weren't all bad . I had to choose the best life for  my Tommy and at the time Tim was not a part of it . He is sober and successful today . He has a family . I've heard good things . We are both happy . I wish him nothing but joy and love in this world . I thank him for the lessons he taught me . For showing me what I do and do not need in a partner . I'm forever grateful for our time . 

Looking at these young men and women at graduation today just brought me back in time . This is my story , my truth . What was theirs?  I hope they don't take as long to accept themselves for who they are . I wish that for all of them . 

I thank Tim for my experiences and for leading me ultimately to the love of my life . Had I not known heartache , not known what I didn't need , I certainly would not  have found my true love .

 I thank Tony , as always , for taking a broken , self deprecating young woman and teaching me that I'm special . And as always - I love him for being patient with me . We've been married for almost 23 years now. I've found my partner , my best friend and my last love .

Friday, June 9, 2017

How quickly the years pass by..

The time flew by .

We've all said this before. And it's true . Time has passed and life has moved on.  It's been over five years since I sat and wrote to you . Five years is a long time for change to take hold . For change to sculpt a life. So,  sit down an catch up as I let my fingers mold my sculpture for you.

Five years , 4 sons , a husband , a father ,  two mothers , a stepmother , 4 sisters and a brother .  Two sister in laws , two brother in laws , nieces, nephews , friends and loved ones . Where do I start ? How do start?

So many have asked me : why did you stop blogging  ? Where's the updating? Initially I stopped because, well I was happy . I was content . I'd found my rainbow , that moment in life in which the sky is blue after the rainstorm.  Is that strange to you ? I've always been better at pouring these typed words on the screen as I'm anxious or feeling down. Happiness is not my inspiration . Odd ? I don't know, I just know my soul seeps words and thoughts as I struggle through life . 

Now , this isn't to say that I can't rejoice in the sunshine of life . I can and I do . I will. I have. I have much to be thankful for . My family, my friends , my work are just a few . You will see me write  of these aspects that fill me with a pride that bursts like a balloon that is too full . Honestly though? When I'm at my best in telling you my story it's because  im raw.  I'm open in a way that you won't get if you speak to me . 

So what about those years you say ? Let me start with those closest to my heart.
 I've had the pleasure of watching my oldest son Thomas ( now 27) grow into a fine young man . He is quiet , dependable and hard working . He's shy , and kind. He struggled in school but he's excelling in his work. I hope he meets a sweet girl who loves his silly , nutty side .   I'm proud of him. I should tell him more . I will tell him more . 

I've watched son number two, Tony (22), graduate high school , graduate college , and find his first full time job. He is excellent at managing money. He did not get this from me. Or maybe he did get this from watching me make mistakes ? He's kind. He's in love. Oh , he's in love like I was with his father. He sees the beauty in his girl . The inside , deep down beauty of a woman that all women want from their men. This I gave to him . This is a gift I know  I gave  him. 

Two years ago my third son Nicholas (19)graduated high school. He did not enter college . He's working full time and is well liked . He's got a personality that is charming . He's handsome . So incredibly so. He makes me laugh ! He's quick with his temper . He's smart , politically so. Even if you don't agree with his conservative thoughts you will appreciate how well versed he is. He is the fighter of the underdog . He is much like his father . So many  times they can't see eye to eye but I know with a mother's intuition it's just because they are much alike . He works hard . I don't want him to have to work so hard .  I also don't want him to make our mistakes . I know without a doubt he will find his path. I always have .

This is the big year for my fourth and last son Jarett (17). Graduation looms . It is a good second half of the school year for my baby, my sweet child . He has overcome a struggle . The injury he suffered in 2015 would halt his high school athletic career and test him . He'd have to see he is more than a basketball player , a baseball player , an athlete. He's a fine young man who can put a smile on my face even on my darkest of days . He makes me laugh. We sing all the time in the car at the top of our lungs . We both love music . We both believe music is an integral part of life. He's in love . It's his first real love. It's sweet to watch him with her . They are best friends . He's learning well what love entails. I dread the day his heart breaks as it invariably will. He was so unexpected in my life.  My goodness though , who would I be without him?

And last but not least , my husband . My best friend . My best ally. We've been through the depths of what felt like hell my friends. We lost our shell. Our home . But you know what ? We stuck together. I don't know if a couple that wasn't as bonded as we were could have made it . I don't say that braggingly . I just know it's true . We struggle to make our way but we never struggle with each other any longer . We are at that sweet spot in marriage where I know without doubt when I look to my side he's there . He's been so strong at times and at others it was me that found a strength I didn't know I had . We are still standing and taking baby steps toward the next adventure. 

Stay tuned for more