Saturday, June 17, 2017

Reflections of long ago -- high school

High school years 

I find myself reminiscing back to the days when I was in high school. You might not know that I was shy , insecure and my worst critic . If you know me now you probably couldn't imagine this ! I'm talkative and basically outgoing . My job requires me to interact and speak to multiple people daily . It's my absolute favorite aspect of  my job too. Go figure! I truly love my patients and getting to know them. Breaking through my insecurities and trying to accept myself took many years . Actually,  it's never ending isn't it ?

Looking back on my high school pictures and looking from a distance I realize how hard I was on myself . Why oh why did a young girl hate her body with so much venomous disgust ? A size 7 and I thought I was obese . I wish I could go back and tell that young girl to enjoy life more . That no one was judging her body except her . I wish I could tell the old me that I was pretty . Not beautiful  , not gorgeous , but also not the ugly monster I had in my mind .  

I wonder if this poor reflection of myself led me into the relationships I had as a teen . I think I chose  partners who also had some self doubt about themselves . Maybe not about their appearance per se  but about life in general.  Our teen angst attracted us to each other . 

My first long time boyfriend was my first love . He was many things that I wasnt . He didn't worry or have anxiety like I had ( about normal situations ) . He was in many ways carefree. I remeber how he laughed and how easily he smiled to this day . I was 14 years old when I met him at Roller Haven . He was laughing the whole night . He told me I was pretty . That's what I needed to feel . 

We dated as much as a 14 and a 16 year old can date with no car . I'd see him when I could and we'd talk on the phone . Dating was different pre internet , facebook and snapchat . With no cell phones we talked on the phone , me attached to the hallway phone with the 20 foot cord . Eventually, I'd get the elusive phone  in my room . A clear phone that was coveted by most teens in the late 80's.  I thought I was so cool!

Tim was a handsome young man with beautiful eyes and goofy smile . I'd been warned that he was "trouble" yes , that was the word I remember . He was sweet and vulnerable with me . He was kind . He was a little trouble though . I guess we all had our struggles . His were different than mine . 

We dated for maybe 2 years mostly on sometimes off . I was a childish girlfriend who was jealous , and I realize it was because I WAS still a child .  I'd finally at one point had the strength to break off our relationship because really , he didn't want a girlfriend and a relationship like I thought I did. He was still young and so was I . I was 16 years old . 

I went on to date someone totally opposite him . Actually , nothing like him.  Very shortly into our relationship I became pregnant . I was terrified . Listen to me when you read  this . I love my son more than anything on this earth . I Don't regret my decision to have him . But , I made an error in judgment and had a child with someome I did not love . I hope my thoughts are coming through the way I'm hoping.

I went on to date Tim a second time . We dated for a year and half when I was 18 and in college . Although he was my first love, things would never work between us . He had demons . He had many things in his life that I could not accept . But , he loved my child . He was good to him . We had good times . They weren't all bad . I had to choose the best life for  my Tommy and at the time Tim was not a part of it . He is sober and successful today . He has a family . I've heard good things . We are both happy . I wish him nothing but joy and love in this world . I thank him for the lessons he taught me . For showing me what I do and do not need in a partner . I'm forever grateful for our time . 

Looking at these young men and women at graduation today just brought me back in time . This is my story , my truth . What was theirs?  I hope they don't take as long to accept themselves for who they are . I wish that for all of them . 

I thank Tim for my experiences and for leading me ultimately to the love of my life . Had I not known heartache , not known what I didn't need , I certainly would not  have found my true love .

 I thank Tony , as always , for taking a broken , self deprecating young woman and teaching me that I'm special . And as always - I love him for being patient with me . We've been married for almost 23 years now. I've found my partner , my best friend and my last love .

No comments:

Post a Comment