I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be honest about my feelings surrounding finding my father. So, here goes! I don't know what it is about me right now. I think it's the let down of finishing up last weekends trip to Savannah. I just have felt kind of BLAH all day. You know that feeling? You're kind of mopey and sad but not quite sure why. One of those days where you know you should dig down deep to figure out what's going on but you just don't have the energy or courage to do it. Well, here it is.
On the surface, I have no reason to feel this way. I had the time of my life last weekend. Fostering relationships and being a tourist in a beautiful city (my new favorite actually). I have a wonderful trip to see the rest of my family planned for February to Maine. I had a long heartwarming talk with both my moms yesterday. I have a great husband and kids. I had fun today hanging out with Debbie and my nephew Andrew. But there it still lies.... this- something.
I thought calling my sister would help. It did temporarily. I called Teisha and we had our typical fun conversations that I enjoy- and I did enjoy it! As soon as I hung up... blah. Then Andrew came with Debbie- fun, fun , fun! Then they left and again.. blah. Now I'm typing this knowing that it will help, it always does.
Today is my Dad's birthday. My dad Brent. Its the first birthday I've been able to call him and say happy birthday. He is 61 years old. All day I've been pushing back these feelings I've had because as happy as I am to be able to say happy birthday to my father it has not got past me that I've missed a lot of years. Missed those years because of my own fears and insecurities! So, my Blah-ness today is directly related to being genuinely PISSED at my own self.
So there it is. Regret, not blahness. Plain old ugly regret. I'm learning of late that its not good to keep things inside, secret, hidden- you choose the word to insert. I know logically that it does me NO good to think about what could have been but I can't help it today. And you know what? I'm going to allow myself to feel sorry for myself for tonight and hopefully when I sit down to type again I'll be back to my old self.
I wasn't going to post this one. Its a post that hurts me to my core to even write. I hope if anyone is reading this and is holding back on something out of fear that they won't!
Chalk this blog post up to me living up to my promise to myself to be honest, because this one was hard to type.