Birthdays, Father's Day, and Anniversaries (Oh My!)

This week in June is special to me.   It starts with my darling husband's birthday, today June 18th.  I always look forward to this day.  I love buying him something special , picking out the perfect card, and spending some peaceful time alone together.

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  A day for years I loved and cherished.  For as long as I can remember  it began with a gift for Daddy.  Maybe it was a picture I colored, a craft we made in girl scouts (with my mom as the leader), or later on a gift i picked out for a hard to buy for man. (hard to buy for because he generally didn't want anything!)  Oh how I dreaded picking something out for him. It was always so difficult to choose!  Now, I'd give anything to have to  hunt for the perfect gift.  Of course then I didn't realize how short our time would be.



The best fathers that I know!
  Me with my Dad 1974, me with my Dad 2010,
Tony and the boys  , my father in law Anton



This year father's day will still be a difficult day for me.  I'm sure it always will be to some extent.  This year I will take solace in the fact that I have a second father to love.  In that joy I've found I will celebrate two fathers.  One who is with me now , and one that will be in my heart forever.  I will try to focus on happy memories of the past and joyful thoughts of my future.

June now holds another meaningful day for me.  It is another anniversary of sorts.  June 23rd marks the day that my life changed forever.  It is added to a bevy of other days holding a special spot in my memories.  It is the day I decided to let go of fear, take a risk, and open my heart once again. June 23rd is eternally marked as the day the final piece of the puzzle that is my life was put into place.  The day I sent the email to my father that changed so many of our lives.

I have to say this year has been full of love and joy.  I have my first nephew and godson from Debbie and Tommy(added to all my other nieces and nephews!!!), have found my father, sisters, brother, and Diana.  It amazes me every time I think of how everything fell into place and how truly blessed I am to have all this love.

I have to thank both of my mothers for allowing this all to happen.  My mother (Irene) was always supportive of my finding my birthparents and family.  My mother (Pat) provided the basis for my wanting to find my father.  It was that first conversation  with her 13 1/2 years ago that gave me such a positive experience and outpouring of love that made the next meeting possible.  I don't think I ever would have contacted my father if she had not welcomed me with open arms.  So, for that oupouring of love that she gave me long ago, I thank her.

So June is full of good things for the men I love.   With luck July with follow with more happiness as my Dad, Diana, Heidi , and Teisha and Shawn come to visit me. We celebrate Andrew's first birthday in July too!  Oh, and did I mention I'm going to be an Auntie again!!?? Life is sweet <3




I dreamt of their faces for years.
Mom (Pat)  and Dad (Brent)

 

Peace and Pieces

My family is not perfect, but its perfectly compete now that I've found the missing pieces. I never realized until I found my mother and father, sisters, brother, stepbrother, stepsister, nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins (I could go on!!) how much I needed them. I was happy being adopted as a kid. I never felt any different with my family. My mom was my mom, my dad was my dad. I did miss having siblings. I always wanted sisters! Boy, now I have them. (yay me!)

I always wanted to know my mother. I always had a love for her. I had a vision of who she was in my mind (and when I met her, saw her younger pictures, it was right on). I even had a strange "dream", call it what you may, when I was about 12 years old. I woke up and told my best girlfriend Jessica who was sleeping over that I knew my mother's name was Pat. True story. Kinda strange.

When it came to my father, well, I didn't know any of the facts like I did with my mother. I knew she was young and did not have much choice in the matter I knew she didn't have her mother to help make decisions or help parent me if she kept me. I knew ENOUGH to know that whether she knew it at the time, she did not have any real choice but to put me up for adoption. Most importantly, in my years of NOT knowing her, I knew I loved her for putting me first. With my father, I had zero information. Nothing. Nada. What would you think?

Well, my parents had no information on my birth father so they had nothing to give to me. Those of you who read my blog know the story, i'm not going to rewrite that chapter today. He didn't know about me. Period. But as a child growing up, I didn't have this history. In my mind he was all kinds of things, but it honestly did not occur to me that he just didn't know.

I thought for many years after meeting my mother that I was fulfilled. I didn't think I needed to know my father. Of course I was interested in him. When she told me he didn't know about me, the interest sparked more. I could dismiss all those years of not so pleaseant thoughts I had about him running away from her in distress. Its always been my mother I've worried about. Funny to think now, that even as a child, I worried about her life and if she was ok. I knew I was happy. What about her? I wish for her sake that she knew I was ok. Well, I guess that is a whole other blog post!

As I watched the Locator with Troy Dunn on television again last night, I could see a piece of me in everyone one of those men and women searching for their birth parents. I cry with them everytime they find what they are looking for, good or bad. I've lived their lives in some ways, felt the highs and lows, made the hard decisions to search or not search. I feel a guilty happiness for me along with a sadness for them when I realize my outcome is better than many of them . (if you haven't seen this show, grab a box of tissues and see if you can make it without using one!)

I think often of Troy Dunn's famous quote " You can't find peace until you find all the pieces". What a beautiful true statement! My puzzle has been completed, my pieces fit together now with no holes or gaps. My puzzle sits on my dresser in my bedroom in the form of beautiful pictures of men and woman who are a part of me, one way or another, linked to my heart.

24 Hours of Emotions

So many thoughts have been scrambling through my brain I had to sit and write them down. What a day it has been!

Today was an intersting day of emotions. There was a brief health scare (everything is fine) with my Dad Brent . My mind started to work in the way it always does - being nervous and neurotic. I tried to tell myself that everything would be fine as all points indicated, but my well, my mind I guess you could say has a mind of it's own!

The three of us girls have an emotional stake in our father. Obviously there are similarities in what those stakes are but their are differences too. Each of us has had a different experience with him . For me personally, everything is new and a health scare for me is frightening in that I want every minute, day, month and year I can have with my father.

It made me think of so many things today. I thought of my own dad and the day I found out he had a heart attack at just 49 years old. I was 1 week shy of my 17th birthday with a two week old son. My life had been turned upside down by motherhood and then we got the call. My dad was sick, very sick. My mother and my aunt Carolyn went to the hospital. I stayed home with my 2 week old son- alone and scared.

Although the phone call Teisha received while we spoke was not quite so severe, it jolted back these memories for me. Teisha, trying to be the big sister told me not to worry. Too late, I heard it in her voice, her own worry, and I lost it. I hung up the phone and thought about those years , almost 21 years ago now, and I broke down. It took me so long to find courage to find him, he couldn't possibly be ill enough to be taken from me could he? I spoke to Diana and felt more secure but I couldn't shake the fear. Maybe, if I'm honest, I'll never lose the fear. Most people in life lose one father. By opening my heart to Brent I will someday have to lose two.

Other thoughts ran through my head. I had emailed my father the first time in June of this year. It is amazing how my relationship with him has evolved. I wrote in an earlier posting at how quickly I came to accept him and love him. Tonight I have thought about the reverse situation and tried to put myself in his place. Tried to think of him opening that email with my declaration, "I am your daughter". I thought of him sitting at his desk pouring over the words that I wrote. Remember , I had so many years to conjure up images of him in my mind. To twist scenarios of what might be if him and I met. He had the 30 seconds of time it took for him to read my email.

For me, those first few phone conversations had me feeling good about my Dad. The meeting at my house sealed the deal. After 4 hours he left my house. Tony looked at me and said "What do you think?" I replied with honesty " I know I can love him." Tonight I thought of him driving away from house, a man with a new grown daughter and 4 grandsons. I had spent so much time thinking of my feelings about him that I never put myself in his shoes. Truthfully, now that I do I can't help but admire him more for taking us all on.

I wondered that night after our first meeting if it would be difficult for him to accept me as his daughter. He did not have 9 months to nurture me and feel me like my mother. In fact as I said, he knew nothing of me being on this earth. I thought about it from his perspecitve, a 37 year old grown daughter coming into his life with no warning. Sure, I thought after that night that we would know one another, share bits of our lives and such. But I wondered as he drove away, could he ever truely feel love for me like his other girls? With my mother, I never feared, wondered or worried about her loving me. Its as if those nine months she had with me before my birth that she had infused her love with me. I didn't have to fear. A mother does not stop loving her child because they are not with them.

Today for me was a testament of this love. The heartache I felt thinking of anything being seriously wrong with him tells me where my heart lies. It gave me a chance to share sorrow with my sisters, not something I want, but something that bonds us together. I felt pity for myself last night, not wanting to be robbed of a father after finally opening my heart to accepting him as such. Perhaps I would have still overreacted if I'd met him 10 years ago, maybe I would not have. This regret is something I will deal with for my lifetime, hopefully in lesser quantities as time passes.

Tonight my heart rests with peace that I have a healthy father and more time to bond with him. I can not wish for any better news than this.

Reconnecting after Connecting..a little about my mom

Birth mother, biological mother, Pat- whatever label you want to put upon her for me she is just my mother. When I found her in 1997 I was ecstatic. At the time she lived in NJ, just a short ride from my house here in CT. It was fairly easy for us to keep in touch. We were able to hop in the car and travel to and from each of our homes. When she and her husband (and subsequently my sister Jesika) left NJ and moved back to northern Maine it became a problem logistically.


See, whenever I say my family lives in Maine I think people picture a 4 or 5 hour car ride and the Maine most of them travel to. Coastal Maine towns of Oqunquit, Portland or even Bar Harbor. My Maine is in the northern reaches of the state. Many of the towns just miles from the Canadian border. This is where my family is from. This is where Brent and Pat grew up , and where my father Relland lived until his move to CT in the late 1960's. This equals a 10 hour drive. Not easy to do in a long weekend, which poses the problem of how often I can visit.

If you haven't been to this area of Maine then you are missing out on some of the most beautiful countryside. There are rolling hills with fields of potatoes, broccoli and even mustard. There are views for miles and miles. The many small towns that make up Aroostook County are full of some of the nicest people I've come across. If you like winter activities than this is a great spot for you!


I haven't seen my mother in 3 years. I went to visit my sisters in November of 2008 when my sister Jesika (2 years younger than me) had her fourth child. I stayed for 4 days and travelled with my friend Kelly. We stayed with my youngest sister (from Pat) Heather. At the time my mother was living in Arkansas and I missed visiting with her by a few months (she returned in early 2009 to northern Maine). I had also not been vigilant about keeping in touch with her by phone. I would always think of her and my sisters but did not make enough time to call them. We started to lose track of one another and months went by. Heather and I have been good about keeping in touch, we are both online and use Facebook so that helps tremendously.

After I decided to find Brent and had contacted him I called my mother to tell her the news. I was nervous about how she would react. I did not expect her to be angry, but I anticipated that bringing up the past could be difficult for her. It must have been a tough place to be in to be a pregnant teen about to deliver and have to give your child up for adoption. I know, I was that pregnant teen too. And, although I did not choose adoption, I know first hand the fear you feel when you are in that situation.


When I told her the news that I spoke to Brent and had met him she asked me if he had been nice to me. I reveled in the fact that I broke the news that I met my birthfather, someone she had once cared for enough to have a child with, someone she hadn't spoke to since before my birth, and the first thought was how he had treated me. It amazes me still that I was her first concern. It is the true sign of being a mother, to think of your child first. Although she did not get the opportunity to raise me, she had my best welfare in mind then and now. As a mother myself I found this so touching.

Here's some background- Brent did not know she was having me. Those who knew she was pregnant (most - even her sister) did not know who my father was. Why? You'd have to ask my mother those questions. Protection maybe? Selflessness - definitely. I think of her often, having a baby at just 17 (I was 2 weeks before my 17th birthday having Tom), knowing she couldn't keep me, not telling my father, knowing it would be years if ever if she would meet me. I have never felt anger towards her as I believe she once feared I would. I have always felt she was brave, strong, and exhibited the most purest form of love for me. That she exchanged her own sadness for my happiness is something she should be commended for.

And so, in finding Brent and getting to know him as my father I find that I am reconnecting once again with my mother. Secrets are not something to hold, instead they seem to take a hold of the people protecting them. Now, there is no more to hold anyone back.

My mother is now on Facebook and we have been keeping in touch through the computer. It makes it so much easier to know what is happening in a person's life when you can easily shoot off an email, post on facebook, or send an instant message.

Facebook helped me find my father and now its leading me back to my mom too.